~* Shadows in my mind *~

What happens to all those things,
Those awful things
That we hide in those shadows
Somewhere deep in our brain?
Sometimes one tries to slip through
And come to the surface,
But I've gotten really good
At pushing them back
Into their dark corners.
They will not overpower me.

Yet, these are a part of me,
Formed by me.
Waiting to spring out at the worst possible time.

These are all thoughts of things
I could have done,
Should have done,
Would have done,
But did not.

They haunt my present and control my future
For they are strong, brawny, and unforgiving.

The weight of them is so heavy
Sometimes I cannot move,
Like a million books piled on my head
Weighing me down,
Pushing me down, down, down.

These shadows of my mind,
Simmering and boiling,
Stirring pain and regret,
Into a inedible delicacy.

When one of these
Awful things
Makes life totally unbearable,
I wrestle with it,
Take care of it,
And find out
I ... am in control
After all!

*~ Memories ~*

A new day slips
Ever so quietly into my room ...
Tiny fingers of light
Touch my cheek
In a loving Caress.

Shadows of memories
Lost in the clutter,
The past marches by me,
Soldiers in time.
Each piece a picture in time
Of what was and maybe
What will be ...
Could be ...
Should be,
Stories waiting to be told.

Clutter and time,
Rhythm and rhyme,
I sit in the silence
and think
Of things that were
And things to come,

And in the stillness
I know
Silence is not golden;
It's just lonely.

~* The Key *~

I woke up with a peculiar feeling.
Doom and impending joy
Clashed inside of me.
I was caught in a vortex
Between sadness and happiness.

What could it mean?
Why would these two oh so different feelings
Be lodged somewhere so deep inside of me
And yet come filtering out to my waking mind?

Something deep inside of me
Needed to be let loose,
But what was it:
Joy ... Sorrow ... Inspiration ... Doom ... Fear?

I sat down and stared at the brightly lit light of my computer.
It seemed to be waiting for me to ... Do... Something.
My fingers, sat lightly on the keys,
Waiting.

My chest was heavy with the feeling of
Something trying to be set free.
It actually ached.

I needed to find the key
That would open the door
That seemed so tightly locked
That I could not open it.

I felt into my pocket ... imaginary, yes ...
But still I knew, I knew, the key was there.
Deep down in the very, very bottom -
A tiny gold key!

I gingerly pulled it out,
Held it for a moment in my hand, and
Pushed it into the rusty lock ...
And, with great effort, turned the key.

The door opened ever so slowly.
I gazed in and saw ...
What looked like a soft golden cloud.
I entered and it seemed to surround me with -
What should I call it -
Clarity ... the ability to see through the dark ...
To make sense of the light ...
To actually find the path that had been opened for me.

I started down that new path,
Parts of it as dark as the darkest night,
Parts of it lit with the most beautiful light in the whole world.
And at that moment, I knew
There would always be
Times of light,
Times of dark,
And we must walk through both of them
With our heads held high,
With the knowing
That at the end of the darkness
The light would always be there.
Life is good.

~*~ Hope ~*~

Another year has flown past.
As time seems to move faster and faster,
My clickity clocks are all tickity tocking away
in perfecty harmony with the universe,
As I peer down the long road into forever.

I ponder on how fragile it all is:
Me ... You ... the World,
So breakable. What escapes me is
The oh so delicate ethereal meaning of it all.

I am so easily shattered ...
A word ... a loss
and I lose myself into a million tiny pieces
Like Humpty Dumpty
Waiting to be put back together again.

But ... then ... a tiny glimmer of light appears.
A friend said to me,
"We are fragile alone but together unbreakable."
And ... that gives me hope.

Sazzy Oh 8/7/10

~*~ Brain Drain ~*~

How do you get your brain to turn back on?

It's kind of like when you have an old car and every time you go to turn it on you have panic wondering if this day is the day it really won't start. Brains are kind of the same. They need attention, nourishment, beauty to see, music to encourage the flow like water running over the edge of the craggy rocks that have blocked the flow for so long. Who will come along and help turn the key into the wonders of the universe?

So many things in the world - beauty, joy, sorrow, pain, love - so many abound. If the world is filled with all these things and more, where have my ideas gone? Did they fly away into the inky darkness of the night to hide behind the moon in one of its desolate craters? Are they hiding under the turbulent waves in an angry ocean? Did the sweet birds that come to my feeder each morning find them and take them away to their nests? All I want is for those amazing ideas to return. Imagine the stories they will have to tell.

Hidden in the shadows of my mind, struggling toward the light of conversation, sibilant whispering conversation, my secrets are inner turmoil seeking freedom, paths to others' ears.

My last thought, my very last thought, what will it be? I can only hope that I leave with a smile on my face, remembering all the good in my life, none of the bad, and really, really see that bright white amazing light that will draw me forth into ... More.

~*~ Silence ~*~

What is the music of the soul?
The aching sound of a feeling
That used to vibrate with the universe.

I want to feel the love
That used to burn so brightly.
The heat of passion,
A fire, burns in my soul.

I watch your eyes ...
Wondering if it burns in you too.
My heart yearns for the fire that was there.
Where has it gone?

Fingers touch longingly,
Eyes bright with hope,
But ... your fire is gone
Into the quiet darkness of forever.
... Silence ...

~* The Secret Box *~

I wonder,
I always wonder,
If we all have this magical secret box
Hidden somewhere deep inside us.

A place to keep our memories.
The happy ones sparkling with
The light of the joy we felt,
The dusk of the sorrows
Hidden deep inside.

Our magical secret box
Must be so filled
With the memories of life,
All the friends and emotions
tucked so carefully away.

Today,this very moment,
Will be added in
With all the others,
hiding in the almost dark.

And then, one day,
When we least expect it,
The Secret Box pops opens
And all the memories come flowing out
The sad the glad
The in between.

We relish in the deliciousness of some
And wander lightly through the others.
And watch with awe ...
The wonder that is life.

The Teeter Totter and the Spider's Web

Don't they describe all of life?

We go up and down on the teeter totter
Bound by the person on the other end.
The ride can be exhilarating. But sometimes,
Right in the middle,
That person jumps off and leaves. You crash, with a sinking heart to the dirt below.
It seems to take forever to catch your breath.
You are filled with total disbelief.
How could they have done this to you?
They knew the pain that would follow.
Did they just not care? Or is that just how life is?
A brief high ride to the sky and then The inevitable fall to the hard reality of life.

We should have guessed about the spiders web,

The oh so fragile strand of silk Spun out by that creature I had always feared.
Beauty glistens in the dawn with the dew
Sparkling like tiny diamonds in among the strands.
Love is as tenuous as these fragile strands.

We think when it is new and strong
That it will engulf us in the beauty of the web
And tie us always together,
But it is not true.

Even words can rip it apart
And the bond it made for love
Twists to the ground in a heap of sticky dust,
Just like us, broken, empty,
So wanting the beauty back.

But words are like the sharpest of knifes
As they rip through the beauty that was us.

Our lives ... our ups and downs
As we teeter tottered
In the bliss that comes
When we were totally balanced
For that tiny short time
And then ... The web unraveled.

*~* Time *~*

The days slip through my fingers like melting snow.
The freezing cold numbs me
As they splatter into the void of time
Dropping into the yawning mouth of the black hole of eternity.
I still see them sometimes,
The memories,
Like sparking lights in the midnight sky
But most twinkle out and are gone
Where have they gone?
Where is the me that was?
Is the new me soon to be lost too?
I close my hands into tight fists
Hoping to slow the time
And keep the memories before all is lost.

~*~ Words *~*

Where are my words?
Once they were hidden
Someplace so deep inside me
They could not find their way out.

And then ... He came
And unlocked the door
That they were hidden behind.
The words escaped from their prison.

Feelings became words;
Words became stanzas;
Stanzas became poems.

And then they disappeared again.
They slipped back into the chasm
Of my soul,
Lost in the darkness,
Gone.

Have I shut myself off so tightly
That nothing can come out?
I still feel.
I still want.
I still hurt.
I still love.

Have I lost my passion
And with that my words?
I am incommunicado.
I want to write again.

But it's all hidden away,
Bottled up.
I can't seem to let it out.

My verbosity,
Loquacity,
Prolixity ...
Gone.

My muse, still with me,
Might he have the key?
He forces me to try.
One tiny word at a time,
Slowly ... Oh so slowly,
He teases them out.

And so, for now.
These few words,
A start?
Only time will tell.

~* The End *~

~* Isn't it strange *~

Why is it that sometimes
When you need people
The very most
They just disappear?

Why is it that no one
Wants to face up
To their own mortality?

Is it just easier to hide
From what is
Than to help?
I wonder why.

Isn't it strange?